I'll start by giving some examples, but I don't want to go into too much detail so as not to give them a "bad image." They are generally children who are certainly tiring, exasperating at times, and need to be watched like a hawk… but they are so endearing, so good-hearted, so "cuddles" and "I love you," so full of love, that I especially want everyone to keep this aspect in mind, as it helps to compensate for (and also to cope with) the more difficult times.

Example of a morning before leaving for school:

There he is, up. The whole house is still asleep, but everyone knows he 's gotten up. He jumps out of bed, the floorboards echo, he reaches the stairs , and then he bounds down them. Each step is thoroughly marked. It 's official, he's awake. He looks in the cupboard for something to have for breakfast. The cake he'd prepared for breakfast the day before is right there on the table, but he hasn't even noticed it . He's found something because you hear the drawer slam shut: bang! You're awake too. You go to join him. He greets you with a big smile and a loud, enthusiastic "Hello. " The other inhabitants of the house certainly wo n't be able to resist; in fact, you can already hear other footsteps on the stairs .

A big hello with a big hug, he snuggles up to you and says in a very proud voice, "See , I did n't make a sound!" You're taken aback; what can you say in the face of such enthusiasm ? Yes, it 's true, you know he didn't do it on purpose and that deep down he sincerely believes he did his best... there you have it, he did his best. He probably even made an effort not to wake anyone.

He finished lunch and went upstairs to get ready for school . He took out three pairs of pants even though you'd laid one pair with him the day before. It took 10, 20 calls before he finally went to the bathroom to brush his teeth (thankfully, there comes an age when girls can also be a source of motivation for a boy), while he was playing in his room with his toy guns, blasting them first thing in the morning with "Pling... you 're dead!" while throwing himself on the floor and doing some kind of somersault...

He's dressed: phew! We're 15 minutes from departure… he needs to put on his shoes, he still has time… 1, 2, 3… 7, 8… you've stopped counting, it's pointless, it just annoys you.

His father is fuming in the bathroom. Quickly, something that works: "Hey darling, are you wearing your shoes or do you need help ? "... and miraculously, the cupboard opens : shoes in sight. Then, you hear him on the stairs ... Is he putting on his shoes? "Where are you at , darling?"... and then, you get the magical and sublime "Do n't worry , Mummy, I'll put them on." You realize he has n't even started.

His father is also realizing this; you think you see smoke coming out of his ears. He's brooding; he's going to be late for work again if he 's not ready. "Honey, I'm not worried (at this point it 's pointless, there's always the option of putting his damn shoes on him... but wouldn't you like to take two minutes one morning to do your hair... just a little) but we leave in less than 5 minutes."

And then, a loud bang! He's just thrown away his toy gun (yes, because despite your vigilance, he always had one... or did he find another one downstairs?) but miraculously, he puts on his jacket... "Um, you're not forgetting your shoes by any chance?"... "Oh, yes, that 's right." You take the shoes out of the closet, give them to him, and he simply says, "Thank you, Mom, you 're so kind."

So your day has started off with a bang.

So you have the option of punishing him, but you'll be punishing him 30, 40, 50... times in a single day. What's the point of punishments then?

We must then adopt another form of education.

Punishment is a return to the past; it does nothing to prepare for the future. Its purpose is to potentially elicit a form of obedience driven by fear, not intelligence. While it may produce very short-term and temporary results with typical children, it offers no long-term benefits. For children with ADHD, it is ineffective and reinforces a negative self-image and a significant loss of self-confidence.

Thomas Gordon's book, "Parent Effectiveness Training," is a good foundation for parenting. It encourages reflection on the place we give our children and how we want to guide their behavior. Children are not little monsters to be trained, but human beings who must be respected (them too!). The general idea is to help children develop their own personalities and flourish. It's not about forcing them to do things, but it's also not about being permissive. The method is a "win-win" situation. The goal is for children to learn to respect the needs of others and, in turn, be respected in the same way. We also discover active listening (a way of rephrasing the need and encouraging the child to find their own solution, acting with empathy), and using "I" statements (as opposed to "you" statements).

We are therefore very far from the "king parent" or dictator who decides everything and how, but in a communication framework where everyone has the right to speak as a full member of a family or a community of life, regardless of their age.

What you typically find in books is inapplicable to living with a child with ADHD: isolation, punishment, asserting parental authority (or rather, authoritarianism)... To the point that the child feels "unloved," "bad," "evil"... In short, they lose what little self-esteem they have. They will only exist in their own eyes through their inappropriate and negative behaviors. They will thus reinforce these attitudes in order to at least exist in the eyes of those close to them.

So, over time, I started to think about what we wanted for our family and what we didn't want. Helping other parents, I heard myself explain how we had decided to go about it… so I tried to put it in writing.

The general idea is based on the following premise: "Family life has good times with all its members, that all family members find fulfillment and feel loved, respected, and safe within that family. It's a haven, a place where things can be said openly, a secure place where behavior isn't dictated by fear of parental retaliation, territorial struggles..."

Like many parents, I started with punishments and restrictions, but with a child with ADHD, what do you do when you've already given 10 or 15 punishments by the end of the morning? Are you going to take away all their toys, punish them for everything? What does the child think then... that they'll be punished anyway? Isolating them all the time... putting them in their room, making them stand in the corner: how many times a day, for how long each time?

So many humiliations in the end, for what result: nothing! Or the opposite of the expected results: even more excitement for him, for the punishing adult, a worsening of the disorder even with more pronounced hyperactivity (which will also resemble purely reactive hyperactivity), permanent distrust…

A change of approach: if none of this works, then let's talk about reward and positive recognition or valuing the positive aspect of behaviors: rather than valuing successes rather than crystallizing the many imperfections!

I later discovered that this was called "behavior modification".

So yes, there are things that need to be done.

I make no claim to possess all the answers, far from it. My intention is simply to offer some guidance, which you can then adapt to suit your own family's choices and goals.

The goal of modifying a behavior is to decrease or stop, or to reduce the frequency or intensity of unacceptable behaviors.

Some people use reward charts. This idea might suit you. Simply create a chart on which you note the behaviors you'd like to see changed. Good behavior = a green dot, bad behavior = a red dot. After X green dots (usually 10), the child earns a reward.

We tried. I quickly changed my mind. Why?

• Because the immediate reward wasn't there. These children with ADHD are impulsive, they live in the moment, and rewarding them after the fact didn't seem like a good idea to me.
• Because it looks too much like the famous (I might say dubious) behavior chart that you find at school: gold star, silver star… points system, red dot/green dot, good points, pictures… and home is not school!
• Because generally the idea is to reward with something material, and therefore to buy.

* the financial aspect is therefore not negligible.

* How do we handle things for the rest of the siblings: do we buy them things too? Do we set a monthly budget for all the children?

Must pleasure (reward) necessarily be associated with something material? Isn't our society already steeped enough in relentless consumerism? Is this really the value I want to instill in my child, my children?

However, since some parents of children with ADHD use it successfully, I felt I had to tell you about it.

One might also wonder why this method is successful with some children. The reward chart system is similar to the "carrot and the donkey" approach. The idea is that without the carrot, the donkey won't move. Some even add a stick to help it move a little faster, a little straighter…

And then, when this donkey has eaten several carrots, will it still be hungry? Is that really what feeds the donkey?

So, yes, in the short term there are results, just as it's true that if you whip someone 100 times, you'll get results… but these results will only be superficial, entirely dependent on the reward, which, if removed, forces everyone to start all over again. This is the risk of the "Pavlovian" reflex within a conditioning framework.

However, raising a child is a complex process. The excessive and extreme behaviors of children with ADHD are a complex process. It's a long-term endeavor whose results will be slow but profound. What seems innate in other children, what appears to be logically achieved through deduction of rules, will not be the case (or only very rarely) in a child with ADHD; social codes will be learned, laboriously, by this child. Yes, it requires patience, patience, and a great deal of love.

It is therefore necessary to investigate how to modify a behavior in the long term.

To change behavior, the first step is to clearly identify the deviant behavior. Often, it's this deviant behavior that is highlighted and therefore reinforced: the more it's emphasized, the more it's discussed, the more prevalent it becomes. We must therefore act in the opposite direction… and it's not the "natural" tendency of parents and society in general to stigmatize what's wrong rather than highlight what works well. The priority, then, is to emphasize appropriate behaviors: to value all behaviors that are appropriate or close to the expected behavior, while no longer stigmatizing inappropriate behaviors.

How to change a behavior?

The first step is to make a list of behaviors considered deviant and rank them in order of importance. This ranking is determined by the parents; the same behavior won't necessarily be perceived the same way from one family to another, depending on each family's level of acceptance and tolerance. I tolerate behaviors that my neighbor wouldn't, and vice versa… but since our neighbor doesn't live with us, everything's fine. In other words, these are your own criteria, not someone else's. These criteria must make sense to you and your family; they aren't principles.

Take the first behavior on the list, the one that bothers you the most. You need to clearly identify it. Describe it, clearly define the problem; then, specify the desired behavior. To help you, you can write:

• the problem encountered
• clear description of the problem
• Clear description of the desired behavior.
• Establishing a rule

Example :

• In the parking lot, walk to and from the car without running.
• Stay buckled up in the car
• Speaking in a low or normal voice when my little sister is napping
• A rule contains no negation; rules are statements only.

Secondly,

A discussion between the parents (both parents together) and the child alone. The goal is not to accuse; if you launch into a series of reproaches, you lose sight of the ultimate objective of the discussion, which is for the child to become aware of their inappropriate behavior. Simply describe the child's behavior (without superlatives or difficult words). Ask them what they think about it and how they feel when they behave this way. Let them speak; create a relaxed and trusting atmosphere where each party can express themselves freely, without judgment. This is also an opportunity to hear what your child has to say. Often, words emerge that stick because the child, too, realizes that this behavior is not what is expected of them. If they make reproaches, don't say anything; listen to them. Give them time to speak, and don't interrupt.

Why is it important to understand a child's feelings? Because these deviant behaviors too often lead to inappropriate responses, responses that may have hurt them, responses they didn't understand…

• Don't justify yourself, accept to hear what he is saying, and learn to listen to him as well.
• When he has finished, ask him how he could do things differently, what the right behavior would be in such and such a situation.
• Remember that we are only addressing one rule: therefore, we are only talking about one deviant behavior. Stay on this topic and don't stray into others; don't give in to the urge to showcase deviant behaviors.

Together , establish a rule that will be achievable.

Then, you will explain to them that by following this rule, you will save time, and that you can then give that time back to them as a reward. Everyone wins: the child gets a reward, and you get a reward too.

Inappropriate behavior should then be ignored.

Beware of negative reinforcement:

Highlighting negative behavior through a remark, comment, or particular attitude is tantamount to highlighting it. Ultimately, this reinforces the behavior (negative reinforcement) and places the child at the center of a power dynamic linked to the "obsession" with that behavior. The child is seeking attention, but the attention you give them is in no way appropriate or necessary. They have often figured out how to make you angry, how to push your buttons, how to manipulate you… and this is even more true with children who have Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD, often associated with ADHD). Remember that you are the adult. You are the one who must control yourself; you are the one who must guide them. I'm not saying you have to accept everything, but if you must express your dissatisfaction, express it using "I" statements, talk about yourself and not about the child, and name your feelings. You have the right to break down, too. You can always come back to it later.

It is therefore necessary to reinforce positive behaviors:

– Immediate reward:

If your child has followed the established rule (or behaved perfectly when they wouldn't normally), you should reward them immediately. Tell them right away that they've earned a reward and specify what it is: 3 minutes of TV, 5 minutes of play, 3 minutes of reading, an extra 3-minute bath, 3 minutes just for you… Tell them when they can do their reward (right away, after homework, while their little sister is having a bath, after dinner…).

Don't forget his reward, don't postpone it until tomorrow. He earned it. You can even remind him, at the moment of his accomplishment, why he earned it (he followed rule X and you are very proud of what he achieved) and how (by following the rule, you didn't waste time correcting him and you can therefore have a good time).

In the early stages, try especially to ensure that the reward involves the presence of one of the parents: reading a book, playing a game… in order to have (or rediscover) moments of pleasure with this difficult child.

When a child has earned a reward, regardless of their subsequent behavior (however exasperating it may be), never take away that reward; what is earned is earned.

– Verbalize your satisfaction with emphasis

You were perfectly capable of reprimanding him when his behavior was inappropriate… so it's important to show him your pride in his success. Avoid negative language and use "I" statements as much as possible to express your feelings: "We went all the way to the bakery, and you walked right beside me the whole way. Both there and back. I was so proud to have my little boy by my side. It's truly a wonderful achievement; I'm so happy for you. That's great, and I want to express my happiness to you. Also, I want to make you happy. What would you like to do to make you happy?"

We were able to walk together and chat, it was so nice! We'll do it again, right? Because I really enjoy talking with you. I think we both benefited from it, don't you think?

In case of failure,

Understand that your child's behavior won't change overnight. So, initially, focus only on positive actions. You can tell them that it wasn't easy for them, or for you, that they didn't achieve the goal you set together, that it's okay, and that you'll analyze what happened and how you can help them succeed next time.

Then, little by little over time, this behavior will improve and become established as "normal" behavior. But this will go through several phases, including a fluctuating phase of successes and failures.

In case of non-compliance with the rule:

• Repeat the rule to the child immediately.
• Ask the child to repeat the rule in their own words
• No punishment or expulsion: a reminder of the rules is given.
• Reinforcement: once the rule has been recalled and then named by the child, they must be encouraged to regain control. A door is opened for them by building on an appropriate behavior they have already demonstrated: "I remember when we both came back from the bakery and you were walking next to me; I thought that was nice. It was really great. That's what we need to achieve."

No accusations, just positive things!

When the rule is acquired

We quickly realize when a rule has been learned. Once this is the case, we can then consider introducing a new rule (make a new list, priorities may have changed!). We then explain to the child that we are very proud of them, their efforts, and their success. Little by little, rewards become about recognizing achievement. We no longer give rewards systematically. If the child asks why, simply explain that you are very proud of them and that you feel they have understood what was expected of them. It is then important to discuss this with them and help them understand that their (positive) behavior is "normal," without taking anything away from their success. However, you can still use verbal praise during this period.

When the rule is understood… and things go wrong:

First, it's a normal process and nothing to worry about. It's important to distinguish between:

• "It wasn't intentional," forgetfulness, excessive excitement... Consider the environmental factors that may have led to the rule being broken. In this case, remind them of the rule and ask them to remind you. Ask them what they should have done differently. It's important that the child doesn't think you missed anything. Punishing them is pointless since they didn't do it on purpose.
• "On purpose": He did it intentionally, it upset him, he knowingly broke the rule. He couldn't control his impulse. Ask the child to go to his room to be alone and think. The idea isn't to punish him but to encourage him to reflect. This time will also allow you to avoid knee-jerk reactions and to recover (to stay calm).

Generally, it's you who needs this time alone to properly manage the child and stay on top of things. The important thing is to avoid saying anything that goes beyond what you mean and that, combined with your irritation and the day's fatigue, could lead to a regression and be detrimental to the child.

You can also tell him clearly, "You see, I can't do it anymore. I must not be using the right words because I can't get even the bare minimum from you. So, it's best if we separate for a little while. I'll tell you when I've calmed down. I'm talking about myself; it's not really your fault. I haven't found the right words or the right approach. You might be too worked up too… (Also allow him to take some responsibility)." You can also talk to him about how you felt: "When you did that, this is how I felt…" There's no point in leaving him isolated in his room for too long. When you've calmed down, you can then go into his room: "I've calmed down. I'm ready to talk to you. Are you ready?" If the child isn't ready, if he isn't calm: "You can come back to me when you're ready." You then initiate a conversation with him:

• What do you think of what you did?
• What happened to you?

We let the child speak. We listen to what he or she thinks about the situation.

• What did he feel?
• What does he think we felt? Us, and the other people involved?
• What does he plan to do next time… and how might he go about it?

How could he do it? allows us to introduce the concept of control.

What can he do to control himself? How can we help him regain control when we sense he's losing it? Children with ADHD often sense when they're about to lose control. With experience, parents also recognize when the situation is about to spiral out of control. The problem is that the child can't regain control, that he lets himself be overwhelmed, that he can't calm down once he's become agitated, that he falls into a kind of spiral of escalation... and then he can't go back, he just can't (see the action of dopamine: here – read the paragraph: where does it come from?).

Introducing the concept of a desire to take control… even if it's not a matter of willpower but rather linked to the disorder. The idea is to make them aware that they can have some power over their disorder. They need to feel that they have a possible influence on these elements: to be stronger than impulsivity, to be stronger than… It's a difficult battle for them; in fact, it's the very heart of the problem. So, we need to find strategies to help them. These strategies are developed with the child. Parents and child have discussed them together.

· stop, think, act : Raise your hand like a red light and say "Stop", wait a second and say "think", wait for the child to start thinking, he may even ask you questions like "why", once he has thought (so you can help him think aloud), lower your hand and say "act".

If you see that he is not thinking or not stopping, you can then try to revisit a situation that worked: "Do you remember when you... I was really very happy..." and start again with "stop, think, act".

Ask him what we can do to help him regain control: he might have some ideas. You can then implement small, informal strategies between you and him. This is also the time to explain that he needs to fight against his impulsivity (which leads to low frustration levels, aggression, inappropriate responses, etc.): to be stronger than his impulsivity. The idea is also to relieve the child of the burden of his inappropriate behaviors and to make him understand that his parents are aware he has a disorder. This is also a way to teach him what his disorder is and how it works. The child needs to understand his disorder well in order to better understand himself and want to take control of it. This takes time; it's a long process, but don't get discouraged.

Example: " When I feel like I'm losing it, I come to you and you give me a hug to help me calm down... You tell me to go to my room before things really get out of hand... You remind me that impulsiveness is winning "...

Hugs and/or physical closeness can help a child calm down. They can act as a break in the build-up of excitement (a real, calm hug with kind words), so don't hesitate to use them liberally. The benefit of a hug is twofold: a return to calm and the introduction of the feeling that you love this little "buzz." Love, the feeling of being loved, will also give them self-confidence; you have faith in what they can do.

His self-confidence

You lost it over time, or it's badly damaged. No one can blame you; it gave you so many wonderful experiences, overflowing with boundless imagination, accomplishing things you hadn't even dreamed of, hadn't even foreseen…

But this trust is paramount: absolute trust. Parents must be the first people to trust him. It is this trust that will give him self-confidence. It is a gift, a treasure we are giving him. He will learn over time that we trust him, that we love him despite all his missteps. His home, his family, must be a place where he feels loved and safe. He knows he can count on his parents, and even on his siblings, on their love and understanding. This doesn't mean that parents accept his erratic behavior; it means that they forgive it. They have the right to be unhappy, to be angry, even furious, and to express it, but this will never call into question the trust they have in their child's efforts and in their unconditional love.

After a difficult day, don't deliberately skip the goodnight kiss. Mistakes happen; tomorrow is another day. We never go to bed, and generally speaking, we never part on bad terms without a kiss. You never know what might happen during the time apart.

After a difficult day, one of those days you wish you could erase from the calendar, take a moment and find a moment of happiness in your day. If you think about it, there are few truly "big moments" of happiness in a lifetime. However, in a day, there are always several moments of "little happiness." Learn to see these little joys. Learn to look for them at the end of the day and savor them (your child's "I love you," a smile, a wink, a brief moment of connection...). These are the moments of happiness you should hold onto; they are what will help you, day after day, to start the next day. Give yourself this gift!