Routines, rituals & habits in Asperger's syndrome

Attachment to certain rituals is reassuring and calming. Autistic people experience immense anxiety in the face of the outside world, and these routines—from a very young age—make this world more reassuring because it is more predictable.

What is less unpredictable is then perceived as gentler, in the sense of less aggressive… Less disturbing since we know precisely what is going to happen.

Never lose sight of the fact that spontaneity is the sworn enemy of autism .

For what ?

Where non-autistic people see planning and repetition as an ocean of boredom and monotony, individuals on the autism spectrum, on the contrary, experience a reassuring sense of control.

They like these habits and routines. They need them. They find them soothing.

And how?

It's important to know that we, as autistic people, are instinctively inclined to strictly adhere to even the smallest habits, such as:

• very inflexible daily routines, with a fixed wake-up time, and set times for all kinds of activities;
• unchanging routes to get to school, work, the bakery or to Aunt Paulette's;
• Rituals surrounding meals, showering, dressing, or even bedtime. Ultimately, whatever the chosen moment, there will always be a ritual accompanying it, whether it's acknowledged—acknowledged—or not…

By always reproducing identically, with a given order to be followed to the letter, the events that punctuate our daily lives, we limit as much as possible all situations that will create intense anxiety.
In other words, by anticipating as much as possible everything that can create stress, autistic people help themselves to face the difficulties that frighten them, impress them and block them.

This organization is often perceived at best as nonsense, at worst as a robotic life, devoid of all spontaneity.

My rituals harm no one, yet they annoy or are the subject of comment. […] I have woven myself a framework that maintains fixed milestones and on which I place new ones as needed.

So, I stay within my comfort zone when it comes to these little everyday things and free up mental space for what's truly worthwhile. With this goal of simplification and "decluttering" their minds, some people with Asperger's have only one outfit, always the same one—a pair of pants and a T-shirt, for example, in five identical versions. This way, they don't have to bother choosing clothes.

In everyday life…

These habits are generally confusing and surprising. They also sometimes cause concern, like anything that is misunderstood. In any case, they rarely go unnoticed, even if they don't necessarily find a valid explanation in people's minds.

Some, a little more observant, are nevertheless led to question these strange habits…

For over 10 years, we were customers (occasionally, but regularly) of a small restaurant not far from our home. We sometimes went as a family of three, sometimes just my son and I.

It was a place we liked because we knew it well! The owner was pleasant without being intrusive. And the different rooms weren't too noisy; and most importantly: the sound didn't echo too much.
In short, our internal balance leaned more towards the “ nice ” side.

My little rascal, being very resistant to change, couldn't imagine going there and straying even slightly from his rituals. Same day, same time, same place… always, same waitress… for sure, same drink… invariably, same menu… obviously.

Once—just once—our seat wasn't free, already occupied by others. And it was, without exaggeration, a tragedy for both of us. An entire meal spent listening to my taciturn autistic friend grumble and ruminate, unable to get over this major upset.

To give you an idea of how significant this resistance to change is, the incident occurred in the fall of 2014, when he was 10 years old and starting 7th grade, and even today, three years later, he still sometimes talks to me about it, outraged as if it happened yesterday.

Getting stuck on a feeling, whether it's anger (following an argument, a misunderstanding, or an attack that didn't elicit a response at the time) or frustration (following a broken routine, an interruption in a monologue of limited interest, or a last-minute change), and dwelling on things over and over again is a very common autistic behavior. And this can happen at any age.

At that time, my son hadn't yet been diagnosed with Asperger's. We only knew he had a very high IQ, and we suspected since he started secondary school that he had, at the very least, very strong autistic traits. This is why he had been on the waiting list for eight months at the child and adolescent unit of the CRA (Regional Autism Resource Center) in our area.

So when one day – while I was paying the bill at the restaurant counter, while the fellow waited for me a little further away – the owner asked me if he was autistic, I was stunned. Answering in the negative, specifying that there was a suspicion but no certainty yet, I still asked him how the idea had even crossed his mind.

Not that I didn't understand what had intrigued him. But it was so rare for people to know that autism didn't necessarily take the caricatured form of a non-verbal and drooling child, whose only form of communication was frantic rocking, that it struck me.

The man explained to me that his son had previously attended a public secondary school in Lyon, a pioneer at the time in welcoming intellectually gifted children alongside otherwise typical students. And among these young people, his son (who was within the norm) had made a friend who was both autistic and gifted.

The restaurant owner undoubtedly had a good eye, and had been able to spot the similarities between the characteristics of this young man and what he had observed in my son over the years, on each of our visits.
Although not an expert on ASD, he had noticed the atypical nature of this boy.

My son had a hard time at the time understanding what had betrayed him. From his point of view, nothing could have put the man on the trail of autism… convinced that his habits, routines & rituals remained imperceptible.

Many people with Asperger's are invisible. To many, they are simply strange, dim-witted, or unreliable. But on closer inspection, they are far from blending into the crowd: they simply live their difficulties in silence, from those who don't truly enter their world.