Evening, a special time: the benefits of a stress-free routine

When you have a child who wets the bed, the evening routine can be stressful. Children sometimes worry about drinking too much, or they desperately want to go to the bathroom and avoid wetting the bed. These kinds of concerns can put pressure on your child and cause anxiety and tension, which in turn can lead to restless nights.

Why is bedtime so important?

Dr. Sharon Buchalter, a clinical psychologist, couple/family therapist, and author, says that bedtime, especially for children who wet the bed, should be as calm and relaxing as possible. The more attention you give to bedwetting, the more of a problem it will become, says Dr. Buchalter. Bedwetting can be stressful and cause anxiety for both children and parents. Parents should remind children that accidents happen and that if they do, it's okay. While parents should talk about bedwetting if the child wants to, pre-bedtime activities shouldn't revolve around it.

It's important to remember that bedwetting is not a child's fault and they cannot consciously control it. While open and ongoing communication is important, there's no need to repeat discussions. This will only stress the child further. The focus should be on bedtime routines that calm the child and strengthen family bonds.

Emotional bonds at bedtime

Bedtime can be a wonderful opportunity for family bonding, says Dr. Buchalter. A special closeness can develop between parent and child at bedtime. Think of bedtime as a precious time to talk to your child, soothe them, and show them love. Most children—especially active ones—may not particularly enjoy cuddles. You might be surprised to find that this isn't the case in the evening. Take advantage of this special closeness. Use this opportunity to remind your child that you are proud of them and that you love them. Dr. Dawn Huebner, a clinical psychologist and author, agrees that bedtime should be about family bonding, not bedwetting. Too often, families have so much to do at bedtime that it becomes a hectic time where they finish dinner and homework, prepare meals for the next day, give baths and try to share the news of the day (for the first time), says Dr. Huebner.

It's best for children to have about half an hour before bedtime to connect with their parents in a positive way, to talk, play, and be together. Things need to move at a healthy pace at home, and it's more important for children and parents to have time to interact than to play sports year-round or watch the best TV shows.

A relaxing bedtime

Dr. Huebner recommends that all electronic devices be switched off during the hour before bedtime, thus allowing time for a 30-minute evening activity that is interesting and fun without being too stimulating:

• a walk,
• a family game
• a puzzle,
• family stories
• or other relaxing activities.

• The "transition" takes place in the five or 10 minutes before going to bed - a light snack, a last cuddle with the pets, personal hygiene, etc.
• Then the children go to bed for "cuddles" , which can consist of 10 to 15 minutes of reading or talking with mom or dad.
• The "bedtime" ritual , the final step in the bedtime routine, might involve a short massage, a song, or a special way of expressing love. These last two or three minutes signal to children to close their eyes, snuggle up, and drift off to sleep.

The transition-cuddle-bedtime routine helps children feel calm and close rather than excited and lacking parental attention—the perfect recipe for sleep, says Dr. Huebner. Bedwetting doesn't have to be mentioned during this routine. Parents should shift the focus away from bedwetting by avoiding talking about it before bedtime. Reminding the child to try not to wet the bed only makes them anxious; it doesn't help them stay dry. When the focus shifts away from dry nights, bedwetting anxiety decreases significantly, says Dr. Huebner. Parents and children simply need to do what's necessary to stay comfortable and at ease (using disposable underwear, diapers, bed pads, etc.) and let the maturation process take its course. "One of my sons used to wet the bed," says Sharon McGuire, a mother from Campbell River, British Columbia. I know he was more relaxed and less nervous at bedtime if we took it calmly. For example, we didn't have to remind him to go to the bathroom or not to drink too much water before going to bed, because he already knew and did it without us asking, not wanting to wet the bed.

At night, McGuire changes the sheets without making a fuss and keeps things as calm as possible—dim lights, no talking, she just changes the sheets, swaddles her son with a smile, and goes back to sleep. These methods haven't been a magic cure, but they have reduced our son's stress, McGuire says. And that's what really matters while he works out getting used to bedwetting as he grows up. Bedtime should be a special time for you and your child. By focusing on quality time rather than bedwetting, your child can enjoy the time they spend with you and sleep well.

Tips for a quality bedtime routine

• Allow your child a transition period between their activity and bedtime.
• Puzzles and building blocks can make for a good, quiet family game.
• Drawing and coloring are also a good activity before going to bed.
• A hot bath is very relaxing and can ease the transition period.
• Listening to music, reading aloud, and talking quietly are good ways to communicate with your child before bedtime.
• Remind him to go to the bathroom, as it's part of the routine, but don't make a big deal out of it.