Talking to siblings about a child who wets the bed

Should the siblings be informed?

Paul Coleman, author of books on the subject, encourages parents to talk to their siblings about a child's bedwetting. The child shouldn't feel like they're carrying a terrible secret, he says. Secrets hide shameful feelings and make the problem worse. Renee Mercer, a nurse practitioner with Enuresis Associates in Maryland, agrees, but also believes some children need privacy. If your child is very afraid of being teased or really doesn't want their siblings to know, then don't tell them. While I encourage communication, it's very important to respect the child's wishes, says Mercer.

What should I say?

Talking to family members about bedwetting is like talking to them about the need for braces. Bedwetting is primarily a developmental issue that can correct itself over time and, in some cases, with treatment. In most cases, it's simply because the child's bladder hasn't developed as quickly as the rest of their body. It's not the child's fault, and it's something they can't control. Be direct and keep your tone neutral, says Coleman. Mercer suggests explaining that everyone faces different challenges in life. One child might struggle to learn to swim, another to ride a bike. Some may have difficulty with math, others with social situations. This child has trouble staying dry at night. Explaining it this way demystifies the whole thing, says Mercer.

In addition, Mercer encourages parents to discuss the experiences of other family members who have suffered from bedwetting. It's common for parents, aunts, uncles, or grandparents to have experienced the same problem. Explain that bedwetting is often hereditary, like having blue eyes or curly hair. Often, children will feel lucky not to be affected, she says. Coleman also believes that mentioning family history can be beneficial. "I think it can make a big difference to children if you say, 'I used to wet the bed when I was 8. Are you going to make fun of me?'" he says. Explaining how you felt when you were young can help children empathize with their sibling. Adding that their brother or sister isn't the only child with this problem will help them gain perspective—millions of children in the country suffer from it.

What about teasing?

When parents discuss the situation with siblings, it's important that they understand not to tease the child who wets the bed about it. It's important to make this a rule, says Mercer. Make sure the child and their siblings see disposable underwear as normal underwear. This way, they're accepted without it becoming a source of teasing. Coleman says you should make it clear to your other children that this is something personal and private that shouldn't be discussed with other people. There are many things we don't tell our neighbors and friends, he says, especially things that might be embarrassing.

However, you should prepare your child for all these possibilities. If your child is worried about being teased, acknowledge that it can very well happen, says Coleman. Explain that it's common for children to tease and hurt each other. Give examples, like "glasses face" or "beaver teeth"—just as other children can't control their differences, your child can't control theirs. Coleman adds that the only thing a parent can do is be empathetic. Don't tell the child they won't be teased, because it probably will be. Likewise, don't respond to their fears by simply telling them not to worry about it. This aspect of things is a major concern for children. You're better off saying, "I understand that this bothers you, but children often act this way—they tease and hurt each other. And it's really hard," he says. Your child may not feel better, but they will feel understood.

What else should I know?

The most important thing is for parents not to make a big deal out of bedwetting, Coleman says. While stress is inevitable, don't scold or lecture the child for having accidents. Manage the problem without making a fuss. He adds that you should perhaps also consider the feelings of other children. They may also feel self-conscious, he says. They may be hesitant to have friends over if they're worried their sibling will wet the bed, or they may be afraid they'll have an accident while they're playing. I believe that if they feel this way, parents should recognize that it's normal to feel a little self-conscious, but there's nothing shameful about it, he says. He adds that you should tell the child you're working on correcting the problem—for example, by using a disposable absorbent product like underwear or nighttime pants—and that one day the child will probably stop wetting the bed. Jamie was surprised when he was told about his brother Joey's problem, but he was glad to know. He wondered how he hadn't figured it out on his own. "Well, Sherlock," Joey said. "While I'm dealing with my problem, you can learn how to solve mysteries."