Evening, a special moment: benefits of a stress-free routine

When you have a child who wets the bed, the bedtime routine can be stressful. Children may worry about drinking too much, or they may be desperate to go to the bathroom and avoid wetting the bed. These kinds of worries can put pressure on your child and cause anxiety and tension, which can, in turn, lead to restless nights. Why is bedtime so important? Dr. Sharon Buchalter, clinical psychologist, couples/family therapist, and author, says that evening, especially for children who wet the bed, should be as calm and relaxing as possible. The more emphasis is placed on bedwetting, the more of a problem it will become, says Dr. Buchalter. Bedwetting can be stressful and cause anxiety for both children and parents. Parents should remind children that accidents happen and, if they do, it's okay. While parents should talk about bedwetting if the child wants to, pre-bedtime activities shouldn't revolve around it. It's important to remember that bedwetting is not within children's control and cannot be consciously controlled. While open and ongoing dialogue is important, there's no need to repeat discussions. This will only stress the child further. The focus should be on bedtime routines that calm the child and strengthen family bonds. Emotional bonding at bedtime Bedtime can be a wonderful opportunity for family bonding, says Dr. Buchalter. A special closeness can develop between parent and child at bedtime. Think of bedtime as a special time to talk to your child, calm them down, and love them. Most children—especially active ones—may not appreciate cuddling so much. You may be surprised to find that this isn't the case at night. Take advantage of it and enjoy that special closeness. Use this opportunity to remind your child that you are proud of them and that you love them. Dr. Dawn Huebner, a clinical psychologist and author, agrees that bedtime should revolve around family bonding, not bedwetting. Too often, families have so much to do at bedtime that it becomes a hectic time of finishing dinner and homework, preparing meals for the next day, giving baths, and trying to share the day's news (for the first time), says Dr. Huebner. It's best for children to have about half an hour before bedtime to connect with their parents in a positive way, to talk, play, and be together. Things need to move at a healthy pace at home, and it's more important for children and parents to have time to interact than it is to play sports year-round or keep up with the best TV shows. A relaxing bedtime Dr. Huebner recommends that all electronic devices be turned off for the hour before bedtime, allowing time for a 30-minute evening activity that is interesting and fun without being overstimulating: a walk, a family game, a puzzle, family stories or other relaxing activities. Dr. Huebner also recommends a three-part bedtime routine she calls "transition, cuddle, sleep." The "transition" happens in the five or 10 minutes before bed - a light snack, a last cuddle with pets, personal hygiene, etc. Then the children go to bed for “cuddle time,” which can consist of 10 to 15 minutes of reading or talking with Mom or Dad. The "bedtime," which is the last step in the bedtime routine, might be a short massage, a song, or a special way to say love. These last two or three minutes signal children to close their eyes, curl up, and fall asleep. The transition-cuddle-bed routine helps children feel calm and closeness rather than excitement and lack of parental attention—the perfect recipe for sleep, says Dr. Huebner. Bedwetting doesn't have to be mentioned during this routine. Parents should deflect attention from bedwetting by avoiding talking about it before bedtime. Reminding the child to try not to wet the bed only makes them anxious; it doesn't help them stay dry. When the focus is off dry nights, anxiety about bedwetting decreases significantly, says Dr. Huebner. Parents and children just need to do what's necessary to stay comfortable and at ease (using disposable underwear, diapers, bed pads, etc.) and let maturation take its course. "One of my sons was a bedwetter," says Sharon McGuire, a mother from Campbell River, British Columbia. I know he was more relaxed and less nervous at bedtime if we took it easy. For example, we didn't have to remind him to go to the bathroom or not drink too much water before going to bed because he already knew and did it without us asking, not wanting to wet the bed. At night, McGuire changes the sheets without making a fuss and keeps things as calm as possible—dim lights, no arguing, she just changes the sheets, bundles her son up with a smile, and goes back to sleep. These ways haven't worked like a magic cure, but they have reduced stress for our son, says McGuire. And that's what really matters as we grow out of bedwetting. Bedtime should be a special time for you and your child. By focusing on special time rather than bedwetting, your child can enjoy the time with you and sleep well. Tips for a Quality Bedtime Routine Allow your child a transition period between their activity and bedtime. Puzzles and building blocks can make a good, quiet family game. Drawing and coloring are also a good activity before going to bed. A warm bath is very relaxing and can ease the transition period. Listening to music, reading aloud, and talking quietly are good ways to communicate with your child before bedtime. Remind him to go to the bathroom, as it's part of the routine, but don't make a problem of it.