Talking to Siblings of a Bedwetting Child

Jamie wondered why his brother, Joey, avoided sleepovers. He also wondered about all the laundry his mother did in the morning. But most of all, he was intrigued by the faint smell of urine in the air upstairs. He had never considered that his big brother might have trouble staying dry at night until his mother, father, and brother sat down with him to talk about the situation. Should siblings be informed? Paul Coleman, author of books on the subject, encourages parents to talk to siblings about a child's bedwetting. "You don't want the bedwetting child to feel like they're carrying a terrible secret," he says. "Secrets hide shameful feelings and make the problem worse." Renee Mercer, a nurse practitioner with Enuresis Associates in Maryland, agrees, but also believes some children need confidentiality. "If your child is very worried about being teased or really doesn't want their siblings to know, then don't tell them. While I encourage communication, it's very important to respect the child's wishes," Mercer says. What should I say? Talking to family members about bedwetting is like talking about the need for braces. Bedwetting is primarily a developmental issue that can be corrected over time and, in some cases, with treatment. In most cases, it's simply because the child's bladder hasn't developed as quickly as the rest of their body. It's not the child's fault, and it's something they can't control. Be direct and keep a neutral tone, says Coleman. Mercer suggests explaining that everyone faces different challenges in life. One child may struggle with learning to swim, another with riding a bike. Some may struggle with math, others with social situations. This child has trouble staying dry at night. Explaining things this way demystifies the whole issue, says Mercer. Additionally, Mercer encourages parents to discuss the experiences of other family members who have suffered from bedwetting. It's common for parents, aunts, uncles, or grandparents to have experienced the same problem. Explain that bedwetting is often hereditary, like having blue eyes or curly hair. Often, children will feel lucky not to be affected, she says. Coleman also believes mentioning family history can be beneficial. "I think it can make a big difference to kids if you say, 'I used to wet the bed when I was 8. Are you going to make fun of me?'" he says. Explaining how you felt when you were younger can help kids empathize with their sibling. Adding that their sibling isn't the only child with this problem will help them see the bigger picture—millions of children across the country suffer from this problem. What about teasing? When parents discuss the situation with siblings, it's important that they understand not to tease the bedwetting child about it. It's important to make it a rule, says Mercer. Make sure the child and their siblings see disposable underwear as regular underwear. That way, they're accepted without it becoming an excuse for teasing. Coleman says you should make it clear to your other children that this is something personal and intimate that shouldn't be discussed with other people. There are a lot of things we don't tell our neighbors and friends, he says, especially things that might be embarrassing. You should, however, prepare your child for all these possibilities. If your child is worried about being teased, acknowledge that it could very well happen, says Coleman. Explain that children often teasing another child and hurting their feelings. Give examples, like "glass face" or "beaver teeth"—just as other children can't control their differences, he can't control his own. Coleman adds that the only thing a parent can do is empathize. Don't tell the child they won't be teased, because they probably will. Likewise, don't respond to their fears by simply telling them not to worry about it. This aspect of things is a major concern for children. You're better off saying, "I understand that it bothers you, but kids do this a lot—they tease each other and hurt each other. And it's really hard," he says. Your child may not feel better, but they will feel understood. What else should I know? The most important thing is for parents not to make a big deal out of bedwetting, says Coleman. While stress is inevitable, don't scold or lecture the child for having accidents. Manage the problem without making a big deal out of it. He adds that you might also want to think about other children's feelings. They may feel uncomfortable, too, he says. They may dread having friends over if they're worried their brother will wet the bed, or maybe they're afraid he'll have an accident while they're playing. "I think if they're feeling this way, parents need to recognize that it's normal to feel a little uncomfortable, but there's nothing to be ashamed of," he says. He adds that you should inform the child that you are working to correct the problem—for example, by using a disposable absorbent product like underwear or nighttime pants—and that, one day, the child will probably stop wetting the bed. Jamie was surprised when he was told about his brother Joey's problem, but he was glad to know. He wondered how he hadn't figured it out on his own. "Well, Sherlock," Joey said. "While I deal with my problem, you can learn to solve mysteries."